I just cut my nipple shaving
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
