Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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