I have demons in me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
