hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
