that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
