Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
