bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
