I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
