I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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