I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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