90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
i think my cat just said my name.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
