I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
