I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
