Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
