fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
