2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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