I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
