How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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