you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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