There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
