You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
