I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
