I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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