i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
And then the night went full on bisexual.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
