Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
