i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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