you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
