I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
