i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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