Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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