That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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