three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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