i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
