Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
