Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
