True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
