I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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