That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
