im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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