i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
