Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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