clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
