Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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