Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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