HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
