I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
