I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
