Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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