Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
