There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You are a genius and a whore.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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