tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
