hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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