Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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