theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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