i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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