After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
