Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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