we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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