I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
