When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i will never coherently bang her
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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