now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
