I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
